"Don't thank me...I get to love you"
I'm not sure how many times I have heard my sponsor say those words to me when I have tried to thank him for the wisdom, caring, love, support and time he has given to me. It is no exaggeration to say that my sponsor has saved me life...to which he would again say "it's not me." Of course I know that it is god through him but it is also his willingness to serve others, a little action on my part and becoming somewhat teachable. However, I do not know where I would be today had it not been for a strong, loving, giving, brutally honest sponsor. A sponsor who doesn't let me take myself to seriously, who calls me on my self pity, makes me laugh at myself, who helps me work through my resentments and who guides me in making my amends. I have sponsor who has an active, strong, daily program, which is worth passing on to the next suffering alcoholic. My sponsor is also the most spiritual person I have ever met in my life and when I grow up I want to have a program just like him.
So far during my sobriety, I have been blessed with three sponsors, two women both of whom ended up "going back out" as they say and currently my third one is a man.
The very first terrifying night when I walked into an AA meeting I met a woman who offered to be my sponsor. I had no idea what she meant by a sponsor or what a sponsor did, nor was I very teachable at that moment but I mumbled something like "ok." I didn't give a crap at that point; I was beat, tired, sick and needing a drink. Quite frankly I was somewhat scared of the "types" of people who must go to AA and once in the room listening to the sharing I thought everyone in there was a freak. Why would people willingly be discussing things that really should be kept to themselves, weren't they worried about what we all thought of them? I don't know if it was my unteachable attitude or my new sponsor's program but there was not much interaction between the two of us on a day to day basis other than seeing each other at meetings. My "program" consisted of going to meetings and sponsorship to me meant saying hi to my sponsor before the meeting or having a smoke with her afterwards. The biggest impact my first sponsor made on my life was around my second month (in her eighth month of sobriety) when she "went back out." I didn't see her again. Although, thankfully I did not, in my thinking her actions gave me a perfect excuse to drink. The cunning and baffling sickness of alcoholism kicked into high gear in my mind. If it didn't work for a sponsor type person then did it work for anyone? Were they all lying to me? Was it all talk? Was I being a fool? I should just quit, this whole AA thing was so embarrassing anyway and I felt completely ridiculous. I wondered if I had over reacted a tad bit by going to AA. Maybe I could do this on my own? Now that I hadn't drank for two months maybe I had learned a valuable lesson and would be more responsible from now on.
I have no idea why, but at that point somewhere deep inside I knew that I was been living on very, very thin ice and there were cracks running through it all around me. As much as I needed the relief of a drink, I was more terrified of having that ice completely break through and plunging into the cold hell below. As bad as life was I knew it could even get worse and I didn't even have the strength to live life the way it was. So I just kept going back to meetings. I went to a meeting every single night without fail, I was terrified not to...I was terrified to change anything about my routine of work, meeting, bed and repeat. I often felt that if one single thing changed in my life it would be to much and I would literally snap into pieces. It often was not easy since on some nights only myself and some bran new, shaking person would show up to a locked and dark building (it was a fairly small town and not a large AA group). So after that happened the first time or two I got a key to the building. Within two months by default I ended up chairing meetings, when no one else would show up, and Twelved Stepped new people who showed up for their first meeting. I didn't have a clue of what I was doing and I shudder to think of what I shared in my ignorance. I went to meetings, didn't drink between meetings and did "service work" by talking to new people and leading a few meetings. It wasn't the best of programs to say the least but I didn't know any better and I didn't have anyone to tell me differently. I now strongly believe that this service work saved my life during that time. It got me out of self and when I carried the message to another suffering alcoholic the benefits I received through doing that were exactly what I needed to get through the next day. It was the AA program at the most simplest...one alcoholic helping another alcoholic and by doing so I was staying sober.
When I was about 8 months sober, through a series of events and my past catching up with me my job came to an less than desirable end. I was completely lost, was sure that my career was over, no one would ever hire me again and I had no where to go. I was completely convinced that this was one of the worse single events in my life, from which I would have a hard time recovering. During my short sobriety I had gone to visit my friend who had introduced to AA and while visiting I went to meetings at his home AA group. I was blown away by what I had experienced in those meetings and from the message of recovery I heard from the people sharing. I had never before seen in another person the joy, strength, hope and peace I saw in those AA people. So, although I could have gone anywhere in the country to look for work, I knew that I needed to get on solid ground in my sobriety or nothing else would matter and I chose to move to that city for little other reason than the AA group. Within one week I moved, found employment, a place to live and I was adopted into a whole new AA world and family. I don't know why but that particular city has a very strong AA program, sponsorship, social life, conferences and meetings unlike any I have ever seen else where around the country. I felt I had gone to AA heaven compared to what I had just left. Immediately I met a woman who was in the same profession as I was and so I asked her to be my sponsor. She was my sponsor for about 5 months and is the person who helped me get through the 3rd step. Unfortunately, like my first sponsor she ended up also going out sometime around her second year. However, my program continued without a bump because other people in the program where also my mentors and were sharing my journey with me. I am very happy to say that my second sponsor has come back to AA and from what I hear is working hard at the program. I still get to talk to her once in a while and love her as a fellow sister on this road of happy destiny.
Right before my second sponsor went out, due to the changes I saw in her program, I knew that I needed to make a change and find a different sponsor who had what I wanted. This search brought me to my third sponsor who was a man. I am so incredibly thankful that he was willing to be of service to me because in doing so he helped changed my life, heart and program. Not only has my life been completely changed as a result of working the Steps with my sponsor, but I get to participate in the ripple effect and legacy that continues through me to my sponsees. I feel so blessed to be a part of the legacy/sponsorship line and I am so privileged to know my sponsor's sponsor and my sponsor's sponsor's sponsor. The women I sponsor also know the line of sponsorship and that is a truly remarkable thing. I am proud to say that I sponsor like I was sponsored (or do my best to do so) and I am so privileged to be able to pass the AA message on to other women. Without those who went before me and the example they have set for me none of this would have been possible. I am also truly blessed to have a sponsor who knows absolutely everything about me, what I have done and my character defects but yet still loves me. That in and of it's self is a miracle. So now when one of my sponsees thank me I get to say to them the very words I heard my sponsor say over and over. "Don't thank me...I get to love you"
Side note: there is an unwritten rule in AA that women sponsor women and men sponsor men and there are obviously good reasons for that suggestion. It is a fact that the level of intimacy that you have with a sponsor is often deeper and more meaningful than any you have experienced before in your life. If you have good sponsorship, this intimacy happens regardless if the sponsor is a man or a woman. Often for many of us the relationship with our sponsor is the first safe, open, honest and genuine relationship we have ever had in our lives. In many cases sponsorships continue until one of the two die, through all of life's major ups and downs, relationships, successes, failures, joys and sorrows. However, the very real danger is that if your sponsor is of the opposite sex you can mistake those feelings as "falling in love" or that the person must be your "soul mate" and as such be tempted to take the relationship to an unhealthy or inappropriate direction. Again I am so very thankful for my sponsor and my sponsor's sponsor because of the manner in which they conducted themselves regarding my sponsorship. Both men spent a great deal of time in prayer concerning me and if sponsoring me was indeed the correct direction to take. There was/is a high level of accountability between my sponsor and his sponsor concerning all areas of my sponsor's life. Any time I met with my sponsor or we worked one on one for Step/program work my sponsor would inform his sponsor and they would spend time in prayer. My sponsor would also not ever go or do things socially with me alone and he took the time to build a relationship with my 2nd husband. Having a sponsor of the opposite sex wasn't successful because of me, in fact quite the opposite is true. I was a damaged, hurting woman who would have been easy prey at that time in my life. In fact there were many times I would have married the short, bald Yoda (my sponsor), whom I admit I love dearly. It was only successful because I was brought into a very strong and spiritual line of sponsorship and these men saw me as nothing else but one of god's kids who desperately needed help.
I recently moved to another state (due to a Step 9 amends I made to my 2nd husband), and so right now I talk to my sponsor by calls and texts. His guidance in my life has been so essential during what has been a fairly difficult move, introduction to a different AA group, job change and rebuilding of a marriage. Right now he is also being fairly patient with me as I drag my feet a little with my current assignment. Big sigh...my sponsor is requiring that I look for a local woman to sponsor me as I continue this journey. Although I am not happy about it (at all!) I continue to be willing and follow his suggestions. So like it or not I am looking for a woman who carries the AA message, who not only has some sobriety time but who also has a great program TODAY (because I have been taught that it is not length of time but quality of program that matters) and lastly who practices the AA principles in all her affairs. So yes, I am currently looking for a new female sponsor and once I find her I will continue to be willing, I will take the action, do the deal and walk this journey with her. However, all I can say is that whoever she is, wow...she sure has some big shoes to fill.
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Step 2
Step Two "Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity."
I would have told you I was sane, I would have told you I was honest, I would have told you I was a kind and giving person. I would have told you that I had it mostly all figured out, but that I just had difficult, stubborn, unenlightened people surrounding me and because of that, my life sucked. If there was any insanity in my life it was only due to those people surrounding me, who didn't take my advice and who dragged me into an insane way of life. In fact you could have strapped me to a lie detector and asked me those questions with the result being that I was telling the truth because I really believed those things about myself. While I wasn't completely baffled by Step 2, I didn't get how it applied to me and so I simply dismissed it. Insane?....I wasn't insane! So if I wasn't insane I certainly didn't need to be restored to sanity and it appeared that I could move right on to Step 3. However, I had a slight problem. I hated god and certainly wasn't on speaking terms with god so Step 3 presented a whole new dilemma. I was beginning to have serious doubts about this whole Step thing and I could clearly see that I was going to have to rework the Steps if they were going to work for me. I could pretty much tell right from the beginning that a strict AA program was not the way to go. There would definitely need to be some adjustment involved but until I figured out how I was going to work it all out I kept going to meetings. It was my only option since I was all out of ideas, plans and schemes of how to handle the drinking. I went to meeting every day because I simply didn't know what else to do to find relief.
During those first two months I listened to people "share" who had 5 years, 7 years, 10 years or more of being sober. I was baffled. I thought "you have got to be kidding...why are they still here?!?" Ok, so this is who Step 2 must be for, those types of people who didn't have the intelligence necessary to get their life sorted out and back on track. Maybe they were insane, or just really dim, and didn't have what it took mentally to get this "drinking thing" under control. One thing was for sure, there was no way in hell I was going to be sitting in AA a year from now. Seriously? What losers! If people couldn't get this figured out after a years time max, or less than that, they were truly pathetic. Trust me, once I got the secret ingredient to this whole thing, whatever that was, I was out of there. I just wanted to be normal, to be able to drink "properly." All in all, I figured it might take me about 6 months to learn whatever it was I needed to learn and to get fixed. That was my plan but what happened was during those six months I realized just how much I needed my mind restored to sanity.
I looked up a few definitions of "sanity" and I began to gain a better understanding of just what it was that I was needing to be restored to. Apparently sanity is the "structural fit or lack of it between our reactions to the world and what is actually going on in the world." As I thought about that definition, it began to make sense to me.There seemed to be a huge lack in my ability to fit how I reacted to what was going on around me in the world. Despite what the evidence clearly showed there was a structural lack in how I reacted to life. Another definition of sanity that I found was "soundness of judgement." Once again the definition hit home as I saw a complete lack in soundness of judgement in all areas of my life. I could not argue one iota with the fact that I did not have soundness of judgement. I did not have sound judgement in regards to alcohol, where completely sober my mind could convince me that "this time it would be different" or that "I will just have one drink"). What was even more important for me to realize was that I also did not have sound judgement in every other area of my life; including but not limited to all my relationships, finances, family, activities, my motives, attitudes and even my past. I was lacking/insanity and I need to be made whole/sanity in all areas.
The one problem was that I could not change my thinking or restore myself to sanity. If I could have changed myself I would have years before. Trust me I tried for years. I use to think that if I just tried hard enough and set my mind to changing that presto I would have soundness of judgement and there would be a structural fit between my reactions to what was actually going on in the world. Over the years I read numerous self help books addressing various issues that were unmanageable in my life and that I knew needed changing. I would try to follow their directions, search to find myself, or focus on positive thinking, but nothing helped or changed in my life long term. Once in a while I determined ok this is it, I need to change, to get my life together and to "be good." I would focus on making changes in my life with all my might. I would intend to be really good, in fact I would be so good I would be better than good and I really meant it. I could never make any change what so ever last past for any significant time and often the end result was "screw it I can't do this anyway" and more rebellion, destruction, bad choices and chaos would follow. Towards the last five years of my drinking I think I even gave up on any effort to change. I knew I could not change because I had tried and failed time and time again. So I adjusted my efforts, values and life to match my mind and thinking. There was a complete disconnect between truth and my thinking and I could not even recognize what reality was, only my perceptions.
So as I listened to other people share in the meetings I begun to see how much I needed to understand the 2nd Step, that it did relate to me. There was hope, I could be restored to sanity but it was not up to me, my efforts or abilities. I began to see how I was in deep trouble if there was not some power greater than me because I desperately needed a solution. At that time all I had was a little willingness but that was enough to complete Step Two.
On a lighter note here are examples of my thinking without a Higher Power (I have talked about this with normal people so clearly realize now that this is not normal thinking ;)
Is it sane....
To ever leave a glass of alcohol half full? No.
To ever say no thanks, I'm good or I've had enough? No.
To stop by the bar for one drink after work and have just one drink? No.
To ever really need a wine stopper, other than for looks? No.
To consider a bottle of wine more than 3 drinks? No
To drink every evening? Yes
To always either be thinking of the next drink or thinking "I'm not going to drink today" Yes.
To watch how other people are drinking in order to gauge how soon I can order another? Yes.
To take alcohol in your bags on visits to family, but not tell anyone because you certainly are not going to share or there will not be enough and you don't want to have to go to the store to buy more and have them question the amounts you buy (As such you drink what they have first and then continue with what you brought)? Yes.
For entertainment do shots of tequila (dozens, hey if a little is good, more has got to be better) and since you don't have limes you use brownies as chasers. Which turn makes you sicker than you think is humanly possible, puking with such a headache that you are fairly sure you are bleeding out of your ears. You end up "sleeping" on the bathroom floor for about 12 hours and by about 4pm when you are only just beginning to feel as though you will live you think, "that was a blast! Next time I just won't eat brownies." Yes.
To drink time after time to the point of puking and not be fazed in the slightest? Yes.
To drink regularly until blackout, having conversations, going places and doing things which you have no memory of at all? Yes (inconvenient and at times scary, but it is what it is and just part of life).
To stop hanging out with friends because they don't want to have any fun and are so boring (aka, they don't drink like I do, as much or as often)? Yes.
To every morning wake up to the mental demons of, what did I do last night, what did I say, who did I call, how much did I spend, how did I get home, did I drive, where am I, why did I do this again when I promised myself I wouldn't? Yes.
To wake up in the morning feeling sick, disgusted, defeated and determined not to drink for a while but by 5pm you head to find a drink and have completely rationalized it in your mind? Yes.
To wish for death but to be too scared to do anything about it? Yes.
To live every day sick and tired? Yes.
To know that how you are living is killing you but completely unable to do anything to change? Yes.
To choose alcohol over two marriages, both to very good and loving men, all the while thinking that they are the problem and that they are the reason you aren't happy? Yes.
To not be able to be sober when three little step kids would show up to visit? Yes.
To reject family, friends and faith simply because they no longer fit into your life. Yes
To be completely ruled by fear in life and controlled by resentments and not have a clue? Yes.
The list goes on and on and on and on......
I would have told you I was sane, I would have told you I was honest, I would have told you I was a kind and giving person. I would have told you that I had it mostly all figured out, but that I just had difficult, stubborn, unenlightened people surrounding me and because of that, my life sucked. If there was any insanity in my life it was only due to those people surrounding me, who didn't take my advice and who dragged me into an insane way of life. In fact you could have strapped me to a lie detector and asked me those questions with the result being that I was telling the truth because I really believed those things about myself. While I wasn't completely baffled by Step 2, I didn't get how it applied to me and so I simply dismissed it. Insane?....I wasn't insane! So if I wasn't insane I certainly didn't need to be restored to sanity and it appeared that I could move right on to Step 3. However, I had a slight problem. I hated god and certainly wasn't on speaking terms with god so Step 3 presented a whole new dilemma. I was beginning to have serious doubts about this whole Step thing and I could clearly see that I was going to have to rework the Steps if they were going to work for me. I could pretty much tell right from the beginning that a strict AA program was not the way to go. There would definitely need to be some adjustment involved but until I figured out how I was going to work it all out I kept going to meetings. It was my only option since I was all out of ideas, plans and schemes of how to handle the drinking. I went to meeting every day because I simply didn't know what else to do to find relief.
During those first two months I listened to people "share" who had 5 years, 7 years, 10 years or more of being sober. I was baffled. I thought "you have got to be kidding...why are they still here?!?" Ok, so this is who Step 2 must be for, those types of people who didn't have the intelligence necessary to get their life sorted out and back on track. Maybe they were insane, or just really dim, and didn't have what it took mentally to get this "drinking thing" under control. One thing was for sure, there was no way in hell I was going to be sitting in AA a year from now. Seriously? What losers! If people couldn't get this figured out after a years time max, or less than that, they were truly pathetic. Trust me, once I got the secret ingredient to this whole thing, whatever that was, I was out of there. I just wanted to be normal, to be able to drink "properly." All in all, I figured it might take me about 6 months to learn whatever it was I needed to learn and to get fixed. That was my plan but what happened was during those six months I realized just how much I needed my mind restored to sanity.
I looked up a few definitions of "sanity" and I began to gain a better understanding of just what it was that I was needing to be restored to. Apparently sanity is the "structural fit or lack of it between our reactions to the world and what is actually going on in the world." As I thought about that definition, it began to make sense to me.There seemed to be a huge lack in my ability to fit how I reacted to what was going on around me in the world. Despite what the evidence clearly showed there was a structural lack in how I reacted to life. Another definition of sanity that I found was "soundness of judgement." Once again the definition hit home as I saw a complete lack in soundness of judgement in all areas of my life. I could not argue one iota with the fact that I did not have soundness of judgement. I did not have sound judgement in regards to alcohol, where completely sober my mind could convince me that "this time it would be different" or that "I will just have one drink"). What was even more important for me to realize was that I also did not have sound judgement in every other area of my life; including but not limited to all my relationships, finances, family, activities, my motives, attitudes and even my past. I was lacking/insanity and I need to be made whole/sanity in all areas.
The one problem was that I could not change my thinking or restore myself to sanity. If I could have changed myself I would have years before. Trust me I tried for years. I use to think that if I just tried hard enough and set my mind to changing that presto I would have soundness of judgement and there would be a structural fit between my reactions to what was actually going on in the world. Over the years I read numerous self help books addressing various issues that were unmanageable in my life and that I knew needed changing. I would try to follow their directions, search to find myself, or focus on positive thinking, but nothing helped or changed in my life long term. Once in a while I determined ok this is it, I need to change, to get my life together and to "be good." I would focus on making changes in my life with all my might. I would intend to be really good, in fact I would be so good I would be better than good and I really meant it. I could never make any change what so ever last past for any significant time and often the end result was "screw it I can't do this anyway" and more rebellion, destruction, bad choices and chaos would follow. Towards the last five years of my drinking I think I even gave up on any effort to change. I knew I could not change because I had tried and failed time and time again. So I adjusted my efforts, values and life to match my mind and thinking. There was a complete disconnect between truth and my thinking and I could not even recognize what reality was, only my perceptions.
So as I listened to other people share in the meetings I begun to see how much I needed to understand the 2nd Step, that it did relate to me. There was hope, I could be restored to sanity but it was not up to me, my efforts or abilities. I began to see how I was in deep trouble if there was not some power greater than me because I desperately needed a solution. At that time all I had was a little willingness but that was enough to complete Step Two.
On a lighter note here are examples of my thinking without a Higher Power (I have talked about this with normal people so clearly realize now that this is not normal thinking ;)
Is it sane....
To ever leave a glass of alcohol half full? No.
To ever say no thanks, I'm good or I've had enough? No.
To stop by the bar for one drink after work and have just one drink? No.
To ever really need a wine stopper, other than for looks? No.
To consider a bottle of wine more than 3 drinks? No
To drink every evening? Yes
To always either be thinking of the next drink or thinking "I'm not going to drink today" Yes.
To watch how other people are drinking in order to gauge how soon I can order another? Yes.
To take alcohol in your bags on visits to family, but not tell anyone because you certainly are not going to share or there will not be enough and you don't want to have to go to the store to buy more and have them question the amounts you buy (As such you drink what they have first and then continue with what you brought)? Yes.
For entertainment do shots of tequila (dozens, hey if a little is good, more has got to be better) and since you don't have limes you use brownies as chasers. Which turn makes you sicker than you think is humanly possible, puking with such a headache that you are fairly sure you are bleeding out of your ears. You end up "sleeping" on the bathroom floor for about 12 hours and by about 4pm when you are only just beginning to feel as though you will live you think, "that was a blast! Next time I just won't eat brownies." Yes.
To drink time after time to the point of puking and not be fazed in the slightest? Yes.
To drink regularly until blackout, having conversations, going places and doing things which you have no memory of at all? Yes (inconvenient and at times scary, but it is what it is and just part of life).
To stop hanging out with friends because they don't want to have any fun and are so boring (aka, they don't drink like I do, as much or as often)? Yes.
To every morning wake up to the mental demons of, what did I do last night, what did I say, who did I call, how much did I spend, how did I get home, did I drive, where am I, why did I do this again when I promised myself I wouldn't? Yes.
To wake up in the morning feeling sick, disgusted, defeated and determined not to drink for a while but by 5pm you head to find a drink and have completely rationalized it in your mind? Yes.
To wish for death but to be too scared to do anything about it? Yes.
To live every day sick and tired? Yes.
To know that how you are living is killing you but completely unable to do anything to change? Yes.
To choose alcohol over two marriages, both to very good and loving men, all the while thinking that they are the problem and that they are the reason you aren't happy? Yes.
To not be able to be sober when three little step kids would show up to visit? Yes.
To reject family, friends and faith simply because they no longer fit into your life. Yes
To be completely ruled by fear in life and controlled by resentments and not have a clue? Yes.
The list goes on and on and on and on......
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Step 1
Step 1. "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable."
Yup, I have hard days...when I forget that a lack of power is my dilemma.
People sometime ask me if I have hard days being sober and by "hard" I assume they are referring to the overwhelming desire to drink and those white knuckle moments that an alcoholic goes through at times. I certainly had those types of "hard" moments, more so during the early months of sobriety where it feels like I can't breathe, my insides are twisted into knots and I want to crawl out of my skin. I still have brief moments at times though they come less often, ended quicker and are less intense. However, Step One doesn't just address my alcohol use; it addresses my entire life. The simple fact of the matter is that not one of us can control life, other people or events. Life is unmanageable and I am powerless over it and you. Add alcoholism a person's life and it is like throwing a match onto gasoline.
I will never forget my very first sober week and it still amazes me that I lived through it. I was detoxing, going to work where I fought to stay focused and counted the hours till quiting time. My former party friend, who introduced me to AA over the weekend, kept in touch with me by text and phone. Leaving work at 5pm, I would drive home by the liquor stores I had frequented on a daily basis and fight not to pull into the parking lots. For years I would go to a different liquor store each night because I was embarrassed to go to the same store and feel the need to make up some lame story of pending guests to explain the large amounts of alcohol I bought on a daily basis. During the last year of my drinking I simply didn't care anymore what they thought and went to the store closest to my home. Six months after I was sober the liquor store went out of business which I tried not to feel responsible for. Every day I wanted to say "screw this!" on an hourly basis, why was I putting myself through this, especially when it was unnecessary. I knew I didn't have a drinking problem, I just needed to learn to control my drinking and my life a little more successfully. I hated life, I hated feeling the way I felt and I hated going to AA. The chaos and voices in my head and the continual mental arguments with myself left me mentally and emotionally exhausted.
As exhausted as I felt, I could not go home or hide away from the world because I had to attend legislative functions every evening. My job involved working during a legislative session and that meant every evening after 5pm there were several socials to attend and alcohol was everywhere. It was all around me....and it was free. I couldn't keep my eyes off the drinks at my table, at the bar, in people's hands. I was afraid that I would pick up a drink and then I wasn't sure if I would ever try AA again. For some reason I knew in my bones that I to try AA, at least until I figured out what was wrong and how to fix it. During those evenings I could tell you what everyone was drinking, how much and how fast. There were times when the smell of wine, whiskey and whatever else clouded my mind and made conversation almost impossible. I held onto my diet cokes and drank one after another like it was my life line. I was sure everyone could tell what was going on with me, that they could somehow sense my thoughts. There were frequent offers from people who wanted to buy me a drink and there were often questions of why I wasn't drinking. For me to not have a drink in my hand was something new. I am the type who once starts ends up being one of the four or five people that always shut down the bar at closing time. "Ok just one more" was my most common phrase. So, when those who knew me and questioned me as to why I wasn't drinking my lies came fast and furiously. I claimed I had to work super early the next day, that I was on antibiotics and couldn't drink "damn it" or that I was on a crash diet trying to get in shape for a trip. It didn't occur to me to say something like "I don't feel like it tonight." In my mind that would be a such stupid thing to say, plus it would be a dead giveaway because who the hell doesn't feel like a drink ever?
At that time I had no idea what the "program of AA" was, and I had no idea what was going on in my body and mind as they adjusted through those first days without alcohol. I was not prepared for the physical, mental and emotional upheaval that removing alcohol from my system was going to have on me. I had never attempted to stop drinking before...why should I? I never thought I had a problem. Sure my 2nd husband would mention more and more often during our marriage that he thought I had a drinking problem, but I just resented his comments. I didn't know what happened, but somewhere along the line he had turned into a such kill joy and was so controlling. In my mind I was just having a little fun or trying to relax and deal with life.
(Actually I do remember one time when I had said I was going to stop. It was the last Christmas I lived with my 2nd husband, before we separated. I was drinking daily at that point and both of our lives had turned into a living hell, although I thought the problem was his attitude. On Christmas Eve it was obvious that I wasn't going to have a present for him, since I didn't actually bother to go shopping that year, so I told him that for his present I wasn't going to drink for one week, starting that day! In my self-absorbed fog, I convinced myself that I was being overly generous. He was, much to my relief, actually pleased with my announcement. However, by that evening I was drinking...because it was after all Christmas Eve, which is a very bad time to start a week of not drinking. So I told him I would start the next day....that day never came.)
So now that I was actually not drinking for 2, 3, 4 days in a row, my body and my mind did not know how to cope and I felt as if I was crawling out of my skin. Nothing helped, so I would white knuckle it until 7:45pm and then sneak out of whatever work function I was attending. I would race to the 8pm AA meeting like there were hounds at my heels and slide into a seat, safe for one more day. Only then could I stop holding my breath and unclench my jaw for one hour.
During that first week in AA I introduced myself, by my first name only. I would not say anything other than my name. I would not finish the typical AA introduction of, hi I'm so and so, with the phrase "...and I'm an alcoholic." I knew that if I actually said those words there would be no turning back for me. Either I would have to do what the AA people did, whatever that was, and never drink again which was not a thought I could cope with or even comprehend. Or...I would pick up a drink and continue with my lifestyle. However, if I admitted that I was an alcoholic and drank I knew I would be doing so with the knowledge that it was a choice I made. I knew I would end up dead or trying to die. Fortunately as I sat in that smoked filled room night after night I could not escape what I was hearing in the meetings. I could not escape the fact that these people had a peace, a calmness, they laughed and had joy. I so desperately wanted to have what I saw they had, but I was so full of doubt. The problem was I was convinced that the reason they were full of peace was because they didn't have my problems. Inside I was sure that my problems were unique, I was broken and I had deep shameful secrets that I was sure no one would ever understand (how little I knew). However, I also heard a level of gut wrenching honesty being shared and it started sinking in through the fog. I had never ever experienced people being that open, vulnerable, honest in front of total strangers before in my life. I heard people share about their experiences, which were every bit as bad as mine, sometimes worse. I heard them tell my story like they had lived and felt it. I heard about lives that had changed and I heard about having hope. Since, I no longer had any other options or ideas of what to do anymore, I finally faced the fact that I was powerless over alcohol and I admitted that my life was unmanageable. At my 5th AA meeting I introduced myself with "hi I'm _____________ and I am an alcoholic."
Such a difficult, simple, terrifying, liberating sentence.
Yup, I have hard days...when I forget that a lack of power is my dilemma.
People sometime ask me if I have hard days being sober and by "hard" I assume they are referring to the overwhelming desire to drink and those white knuckle moments that an alcoholic goes through at times. I certainly had those types of "hard" moments, more so during the early months of sobriety where it feels like I can't breathe, my insides are twisted into knots and I want to crawl out of my skin. I still have brief moments at times though they come less often, ended quicker and are less intense. However, Step One doesn't just address my alcohol use; it addresses my entire life. The simple fact of the matter is that not one of us can control life, other people or events. Life is unmanageable and I am powerless over it and you. Add alcoholism a person's life and it is like throwing a match onto gasoline.
I will never forget my very first sober week and it still amazes me that I lived through it. I was detoxing, going to work where I fought to stay focused and counted the hours till quiting time. My former party friend, who introduced me to AA over the weekend, kept in touch with me by text and phone. Leaving work at 5pm, I would drive home by the liquor stores I had frequented on a daily basis and fight not to pull into the parking lots. For years I would go to a different liquor store each night because I was embarrassed to go to the same store and feel the need to make up some lame story of pending guests to explain the large amounts of alcohol I bought on a daily basis. During the last year of my drinking I simply didn't care anymore what they thought and went to the store closest to my home. Six months after I was sober the liquor store went out of business which I tried not to feel responsible for. Every day I wanted to say "screw this!" on an hourly basis, why was I putting myself through this, especially when it was unnecessary. I knew I didn't have a drinking problem, I just needed to learn to control my drinking and my life a little more successfully. I hated life, I hated feeling the way I felt and I hated going to AA. The chaos and voices in my head and the continual mental arguments with myself left me mentally and emotionally exhausted.
As exhausted as I felt, I could not go home or hide away from the world because I had to attend legislative functions every evening. My job involved working during a legislative session and that meant every evening after 5pm there were several socials to attend and alcohol was everywhere. It was all around me....and it was free. I couldn't keep my eyes off the drinks at my table, at the bar, in people's hands. I was afraid that I would pick up a drink and then I wasn't sure if I would ever try AA again. For some reason I knew in my bones that I to try AA, at least until I figured out what was wrong and how to fix it. During those evenings I could tell you what everyone was drinking, how much and how fast. There were times when the smell of wine, whiskey and whatever else clouded my mind and made conversation almost impossible. I held onto my diet cokes and drank one after another like it was my life line. I was sure everyone could tell what was going on with me, that they could somehow sense my thoughts. There were frequent offers from people who wanted to buy me a drink and there were often questions of why I wasn't drinking. For me to not have a drink in my hand was something new. I am the type who once starts ends up being one of the four or five people that always shut down the bar at closing time. "Ok just one more" was my most common phrase. So, when those who knew me and questioned me as to why I wasn't drinking my lies came fast and furiously. I claimed I had to work super early the next day, that I was on antibiotics and couldn't drink "damn it" or that I was on a crash diet trying to get in shape for a trip. It didn't occur to me to say something like "I don't feel like it tonight." In my mind that would be a such stupid thing to say, plus it would be a dead giveaway because who the hell doesn't feel like a drink ever?
At that time I had no idea what the "program of AA" was, and I had no idea what was going on in my body and mind as they adjusted through those first days without alcohol. I was not prepared for the physical, mental and emotional upheaval that removing alcohol from my system was going to have on me. I had never attempted to stop drinking before...why should I? I never thought I had a problem. Sure my 2nd husband would mention more and more often during our marriage that he thought I had a drinking problem, but I just resented his comments. I didn't know what happened, but somewhere along the line he had turned into a such kill joy and was so controlling. In my mind I was just having a little fun or trying to relax and deal with life.
(Actually I do remember one time when I had said I was going to stop. It was the last Christmas I lived with my 2nd husband, before we separated. I was drinking daily at that point and both of our lives had turned into a living hell, although I thought the problem was his attitude. On Christmas Eve it was obvious that I wasn't going to have a present for him, since I didn't actually bother to go shopping that year, so I told him that for his present I wasn't going to drink for one week, starting that day! In my self-absorbed fog, I convinced myself that I was being overly generous. He was, much to my relief, actually pleased with my announcement. However, by that evening I was drinking...because it was after all Christmas Eve, which is a very bad time to start a week of not drinking. So I told him I would start the next day....that day never came.)
So now that I was actually not drinking for 2, 3, 4 days in a row, my body and my mind did not know how to cope and I felt as if I was crawling out of my skin. Nothing helped, so I would white knuckle it until 7:45pm and then sneak out of whatever work function I was attending. I would race to the 8pm AA meeting like there were hounds at my heels and slide into a seat, safe for one more day. Only then could I stop holding my breath and unclench my jaw for one hour.
During that first week in AA I introduced myself, by my first name only. I would not say anything other than my name. I would not finish the typical AA introduction of, hi I'm so and so, with the phrase "...and I'm an alcoholic." I knew that if I actually said those words there would be no turning back for me. Either I would have to do what the AA people did, whatever that was, and never drink again which was not a thought I could cope with or even comprehend. Or...I would pick up a drink and continue with my lifestyle. However, if I admitted that I was an alcoholic and drank I knew I would be doing so with the knowledge that it was a choice I made. I knew I would end up dead or trying to die. Fortunately as I sat in that smoked filled room night after night I could not escape what I was hearing in the meetings. I could not escape the fact that these people had a peace, a calmness, they laughed and had joy. I so desperately wanted to have what I saw they had, but I was so full of doubt. The problem was I was convinced that the reason they were full of peace was because they didn't have my problems. Inside I was sure that my problems were unique, I was broken and I had deep shameful secrets that I was sure no one would ever understand (how little I knew). However, I also heard a level of gut wrenching honesty being shared and it started sinking in through the fog. I had never ever experienced people being that open, vulnerable, honest in front of total strangers before in my life. I heard people share about their experiences, which were every bit as bad as mine, sometimes worse. I heard them tell my story like they had lived and felt it. I heard about lives that had changed and I heard about having hope. Since, I no longer had any other options or ideas of what to do anymore, I finally faced the fact that I was powerless over alcohol and I admitted that my life was unmanageable. At my 5th AA meeting I introduced myself with "hi I'm _____________ and I am an alcoholic."
Such a difficult, simple, terrifying, liberating sentence.
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Pre-AA
I still remember my first drink and I certainly remember my last.
I had my first drink was when I was 28 years old. Many people might find that a little odd as this does not seem to be the common age of first drinks. It is more likely that most alcoholics and also most normies (non alcoholics), experience their first drink in the teen years. However, due to my very religious upbringing drinking was viewed as a sin and being married at 18 into a very similar religious environment, I was never exposed to alcohol.
My first drink was very innocent and nonthreatening. I had been experiencing stomach pains and a guest in my home suggested that I drink a mix of vodka and orange juice (as I had neither both had to be purchased). The first sip tasted foul and for the life of me I could not understand why anyone would choose to drink that stuff for enjoyment. I was so uninterested. I took several more sips and still didn't understand the attraction...until it hit my stomach, spread through my body and seemed to fill every pore of my body. I had no idea at the time, but those few sips acted the same as if a tumbler type lock had finally clicked into place, unlocking a code and a door swung open. Although I did not drink often (certainly if compared with the amount I drank years later), after that day I continued to drink at any and every opportunity that I could get away with it and without my husband knowing about it. When I drank the misery inside me didn't seem so unbearable, the disappointment of my life wasn't so great, the need for control not as powerful, the anger boiling deep inside calmed. I could breathe, I could relax, I could care less and I could have fun. I had found my answer and there was no going back. There was a fundamental shift in my thinking and in my perception of reality. I was an alcoholic from that very first drink.
No one from my every day life, not even my husband, knew I was drinking. Within one year of that first drink I had left my husband and turned my back on everything and everyone that was important in my life up to that point. I lost my community, my home, my faith, values, family and friends. I moved to a city where I could live my new life style as I saw fit and without censorship. I never looked back at the path of destruction I had left in my wake and any guilt I felt was very quickly and easily drowned. When my husband, family or others asked me what I was thinking or doing I did not have any answer to give them or to explain the changes in my life or attitudes. To excuse my separation and pending divorce I told my immediate family that my husband was abusive to me, which was a horrific lie. My ex-husband was a godly man of integrity and character who never once abused me or acted in any way other than a loving husband would act. Truth be told, I myself had no idea what was going on in my head, I only knew that I had found "something" and I wasn't going to live without it. Due to deeply held religious convictions, relatives and people who had once been my best friends would no longer speak to me and from what I was told my old church voted to excommunicate me. Now I wasn't a falling down drunk, or any of the other stereotypes that we hold of what an alcoholic is, because I didn't fit any of those (yet). I did not drink every day (yet), I pursued a college education and even went on to post grad and started a successful career, but nothing mattered to me other than living life to the fullest as I saw fit.
I clearly remember one afternoon following my separation when my husband's brother arranged to meet with the two of us. I reluctantly agreed to meet them in a small town cafe and we sat down across a small table, covered with a red plastic tablecloth, for a talk. I had an enormous amount of love for both my husband and my brother in law; I respected them and valued them in my life. I completely agree with those in AA who have said "love isn't enough" when it comes to alcoholism, because it doesn't matter that we love, how much we love or who loves us when we are in the grips of alcoholism. I remember my brother in law's eyes filling with tears as he tried to get to the root cause of why I was walking away from the marriage. What a dreadful sorrow and heavy burden he must have carried as he tried to reach out to his baby brother and me with some answer, some hope or some plan to prevent what was happening. I don't really remember what was said that day, but I do remember I didn't have any logical answers I could give him or my husband of reasons why. The bottom line was everything my brother in law said that afternoon would have been absolutely, 100 percent, correct and I knew it, but what the three of us did not know at that time was that it simply didn't matter. They were talking to a freshly minted alcoholic who was so far from hitting bottom that I wouldn't have even believed there was a bottom. Already I was willing to trade everyone and everything to be able to live my new found lifestyle. One thing I still clearly remember about that day was that emotionally I completely shut down. I had to shut down just to survive what I was doing to the man who was my husband. I used all my ability to not crack, to keep my heart from feeling and my mind from thinking. I knew if I could just make it through the talk I would never have to think about it again. Finally the visit came to an end with neither my brother in law or my husband getting any explanation, answers or closure from me other than the marriage was going to end. I got up (I think they both hugged me) and I walked out to my car. I drove away without looking back, teeth clenched, refusing to cry and the alcoholic mind went to work creating a story to make it possible for me to live with myself. Shortly afterwards I was siting at a kitchen table with a typewriter, a rum and coke and a do-it-yourself divorce kit.
Like any other alcoholic I could at this point write story after drunk story, some funny, some embarrassing, some dangerous or illegal, others extremely painful and all of them leading to the point of incomprehensible demoralization at which point I hit my personal bottom. Once I took that first drink my love affair with alcohol began and I was out of the gate at high speed. I drank from 28 until 44 years of age, but not once did I think I had a problem and I would never have labeled myself as an alcoholic. In very short order my lifestyle appeared to be completely normal to me. Any moral boundaries I had simply were adjusted when and if needed and my alcoholic thinking was always present to aid in that process. At that time I had no idea about the "manifestation of an allergy of the body and the phenomenon of craving in the mind" with which the chronic alcoholic lives. A person doesn't think about how much they crave air until someone comes up behind them and puts a plastic bag over their head. It is only at that point does the craving to breathe kick in and you are extremely aware of your dependence of air. I had no concept that I wasn't simply a normal drinker (it does help to surround yourself with people who drink like you do) and I never attempted to stop drinking; why should I since "I was only trying to have fun." During those years I got remarried to another wonderful man. At first life was wonderful, we had lots of friends, fun and free time to travel and enjoy life. However, he was not an alcoholic, so as the honeymoon phase ended and my alcoholism progressed our marriage began to show major strains. I put my 2nd husband through over a decade of alcoholic hell (more details on that during the 9th step) and eventually he could take no more. I don't remember if I left or he kicked me out but we at last separated and I went to live in a different state. Once again I was able to drink freely as I pleased without censorship.
While drinking I have earned several college degrees, graduated from law school with honors, had numerous prestigious jobs, and traveled extensively, so from an outsiders vantage point of view it might appear that I was doing well. However, alcohol took me places and allowed me to do things that I never would have thought imaginable. For the last 6 years of my drinking my entire life revolved around alcohol, but still I never considered myself to have a drinking problem. Instead I thought I had a job problem, a money problem, a him problem and a life problem. In my mind alcohol was the only thing that enabled me to cope with all these other problems, hell alcohol wasn't my problem, it was my solution. I was spiritually and emotionally dead inside and who knows how long it would have been before the physical was in the same shape.
My personal bottom came on January the 18th, 2009. I had a particularly brutal weekend of "partying" after which I was so sick inside and so bone weary tired. I desperately needed something or someone, but didn't know what exactly. I just knew I could not continue living life much longer, nor did I want to. On a whim, I called a former drinking buddy and asked if he would meet me. Although I knew he had gone to AA two months prior (which personally I thought was a good idea because he really did drink to much and his life was a mess), I insisted that we meet in a bar (it was a Sunday at 10am), which he gladly did. As I drank, two for one, Bloody Marys to help steady the shaking of my hands, my friend sat and kept me company. Looking across the table at him it was easy to tell something was very different. First of all he sat there drinking a coke, secondly his eyes were clear and bright and his face looked fresh and younger, in fact his whole personal appearance was changed. Plus he had a lightness, peace or joy about him that had never been a part of his personality ever since I had known him. I was shocked and envious of what I saw so I asked him to tell me what the change was in him. For the next two hours I listened to what he had been learning in AA, and I will always be grateful that he never once told me that I needed AA, should stop drinking or was an alcoholic, he only shared his experience, strength and hope. During our conversation my thoughts ranged from "well don't expect to ever hang out with me again" to "I wish I could find something like he has but it's not possible."
That afternoon once I arrived home I was presented with a serious dilemma, the next day was Martin Luther King Day and I didn't have to go to work. Having a day off meant I needed to get to the liquor store to stock up for the evening and Monday. Or, as thoughts about my friends conversation tumbled over and over in my head, I thought that...maybe I could go check out an AA meeting. Maybe that would help with how I was feeling, maybe I would learn better habits, more responsibility in how I lived and drank. Actually I was very fond of self help books and programs so it might give me a few good ideas. However, I had no idea if the town where I lived had AA meetings and if so when and where. I looked in the phone book and newspaper but could not find anything (of course I was still buzzed from all the two for one Bloody Marys that afternoon so that might explain the reason why) so I concluded that AA wasn't available in that town. I still shudder as I remember how very close I came at that point to heading to the liquor store and what my life would look like today if I had done so. However, I was so sick and tired of being so sick and tired that I gave it one last ditch effort. I picked up my phone and called the local police to ask them where AA meetings were held. I've always wondered what the person who answered my call thought that afternoon but I'm so very thankful that they knew the answer to my question.
That night at 8pm I walked through the doors into my very first AA meeting. I had no idea what to expect but I guess I thought that AA it would be like some self-help or self-esteem program that would make me feel better about my self and my life. I was fairly certain that I could learn all I needed to learn in about six weeks and then I could get my drinking and the mess I had made my life under control. I had no idea what was in store for me, which is probably a good thing because at that time I could not even fathom the concept of never drinking ever again nor would I have agreed to stop drinking if asked to. I'm happy to say no one in AA has ever told me I couldn't drink; of course they do say it's "one day at time" which is very true, but a little sneaky (today I know what they mean is, one day at a time...in a row!!). Other than people shaking my hand and telling me to "keep coming back" I don't remember much about that night except for one thing; they gave me a 24 hour coin. At the time I wondered if I needed to tell them that it hadn't been 24 hours since my last drink, but I didn't say a word. Its odd that getting that coin meant anything to me but in some strange and alcoholic way of thinking I wanted to "earn" that coin. I think I wanted to prove to myself that I could make it 24 hours and by doing so it would show I wasn't like them, that I definitely wasn't an alcoholic.
I'm happy to report I did make it without drinking for the next 24 hours and I earned that coin. I did it by staying in bed the entire next day until it was time for the 8pm meeting again. However, although I made it through my first day of sobriety by hiding in bed, I did make it through that day without a drink. So one day at a time I went back to AA meetings, I did begin to work the 12 Steps and I started to take the actions which are the vital ingredients in the AA program. Little did I know the journey I had begun, the healing that was going to take place, the spiritual awakening I would have and the incredible difference it would all have on my entire life.
I had my first drink was when I was 28 years old. Many people might find that a little odd as this does not seem to be the common age of first drinks. It is more likely that most alcoholics and also most normies (non alcoholics), experience their first drink in the teen years. However, due to my very religious upbringing drinking was viewed as a sin and being married at 18 into a very similar religious environment, I was never exposed to alcohol.
My first drink was very innocent and nonthreatening. I had been experiencing stomach pains and a guest in my home suggested that I drink a mix of vodka and orange juice (as I had neither both had to be purchased). The first sip tasted foul and for the life of me I could not understand why anyone would choose to drink that stuff for enjoyment. I was so uninterested. I took several more sips and still didn't understand the attraction...until it hit my stomach, spread through my body and seemed to fill every pore of my body. I had no idea at the time, but those few sips acted the same as if a tumbler type lock had finally clicked into place, unlocking a code and a door swung open. Although I did not drink often (certainly if compared with the amount I drank years later), after that day I continued to drink at any and every opportunity that I could get away with it and without my husband knowing about it. When I drank the misery inside me didn't seem so unbearable, the disappointment of my life wasn't so great, the need for control not as powerful, the anger boiling deep inside calmed. I could breathe, I could relax, I could care less and I could have fun. I had found my answer and there was no going back. There was a fundamental shift in my thinking and in my perception of reality. I was an alcoholic from that very first drink.
No one from my every day life, not even my husband, knew I was drinking. Within one year of that first drink I had left my husband and turned my back on everything and everyone that was important in my life up to that point. I lost my community, my home, my faith, values, family and friends. I moved to a city where I could live my new life style as I saw fit and without censorship. I never looked back at the path of destruction I had left in my wake and any guilt I felt was very quickly and easily drowned. When my husband, family or others asked me what I was thinking or doing I did not have any answer to give them or to explain the changes in my life or attitudes. To excuse my separation and pending divorce I told my immediate family that my husband was abusive to me, which was a horrific lie. My ex-husband was a godly man of integrity and character who never once abused me or acted in any way other than a loving husband would act. Truth be told, I myself had no idea what was going on in my head, I only knew that I had found "something" and I wasn't going to live without it. Due to deeply held religious convictions, relatives and people who had once been my best friends would no longer speak to me and from what I was told my old church voted to excommunicate me. Now I wasn't a falling down drunk, or any of the other stereotypes that we hold of what an alcoholic is, because I didn't fit any of those (yet). I did not drink every day (yet), I pursued a college education and even went on to post grad and started a successful career, but nothing mattered to me other than living life to the fullest as I saw fit.
I clearly remember one afternoon following my separation when my husband's brother arranged to meet with the two of us. I reluctantly agreed to meet them in a small town cafe and we sat down across a small table, covered with a red plastic tablecloth, for a talk. I had an enormous amount of love for both my husband and my brother in law; I respected them and valued them in my life. I completely agree with those in AA who have said "love isn't enough" when it comes to alcoholism, because it doesn't matter that we love, how much we love or who loves us when we are in the grips of alcoholism. I remember my brother in law's eyes filling with tears as he tried to get to the root cause of why I was walking away from the marriage. What a dreadful sorrow and heavy burden he must have carried as he tried to reach out to his baby brother and me with some answer, some hope or some plan to prevent what was happening. I don't really remember what was said that day, but I do remember I didn't have any logical answers I could give him or my husband of reasons why. The bottom line was everything my brother in law said that afternoon would have been absolutely, 100 percent, correct and I knew it, but what the three of us did not know at that time was that it simply didn't matter. They were talking to a freshly minted alcoholic who was so far from hitting bottom that I wouldn't have even believed there was a bottom. Already I was willing to trade everyone and everything to be able to live my new found lifestyle. One thing I still clearly remember about that day was that emotionally I completely shut down. I had to shut down just to survive what I was doing to the man who was my husband. I used all my ability to not crack, to keep my heart from feeling and my mind from thinking. I knew if I could just make it through the talk I would never have to think about it again. Finally the visit came to an end with neither my brother in law or my husband getting any explanation, answers or closure from me other than the marriage was going to end. I got up (I think they both hugged me) and I walked out to my car. I drove away without looking back, teeth clenched, refusing to cry and the alcoholic mind went to work creating a story to make it possible for me to live with myself. Shortly afterwards I was siting at a kitchen table with a typewriter, a rum and coke and a do-it-yourself divorce kit.
Like any other alcoholic I could at this point write story after drunk story, some funny, some embarrassing, some dangerous or illegal, others extremely painful and all of them leading to the point of incomprehensible demoralization at which point I hit my personal bottom. Once I took that first drink my love affair with alcohol began and I was out of the gate at high speed. I drank from 28 until 44 years of age, but not once did I think I had a problem and I would never have labeled myself as an alcoholic. In very short order my lifestyle appeared to be completely normal to me. Any moral boundaries I had simply were adjusted when and if needed and my alcoholic thinking was always present to aid in that process. At that time I had no idea about the "manifestation of an allergy of the body and the phenomenon of craving in the mind" with which the chronic alcoholic lives. A person doesn't think about how much they crave air until someone comes up behind them and puts a plastic bag over their head. It is only at that point does the craving to breathe kick in and you are extremely aware of your dependence of air. I had no concept that I wasn't simply a normal drinker (it does help to surround yourself with people who drink like you do) and I never attempted to stop drinking; why should I since "I was only trying to have fun." During those years I got remarried to another wonderful man. At first life was wonderful, we had lots of friends, fun and free time to travel and enjoy life. However, he was not an alcoholic, so as the honeymoon phase ended and my alcoholism progressed our marriage began to show major strains. I put my 2nd husband through over a decade of alcoholic hell (more details on that during the 9th step) and eventually he could take no more. I don't remember if I left or he kicked me out but we at last separated and I went to live in a different state. Once again I was able to drink freely as I pleased without censorship.
While drinking I have earned several college degrees, graduated from law school with honors, had numerous prestigious jobs, and traveled extensively, so from an outsiders vantage point of view it might appear that I was doing well. However, alcohol took me places and allowed me to do things that I never would have thought imaginable. For the last 6 years of my drinking my entire life revolved around alcohol, but still I never considered myself to have a drinking problem. Instead I thought I had a job problem, a money problem, a him problem and a life problem. In my mind alcohol was the only thing that enabled me to cope with all these other problems, hell alcohol wasn't my problem, it was my solution. I was spiritually and emotionally dead inside and who knows how long it would have been before the physical was in the same shape.
My personal bottom came on January the 18th, 2009. I had a particularly brutal weekend of "partying" after which I was so sick inside and so bone weary tired. I desperately needed something or someone, but didn't know what exactly. I just knew I could not continue living life much longer, nor did I want to. On a whim, I called a former drinking buddy and asked if he would meet me. Although I knew he had gone to AA two months prior (which personally I thought was a good idea because he really did drink to much and his life was a mess), I insisted that we meet in a bar (it was a Sunday at 10am), which he gladly did. As I drank, two for one, Bloody Marys to help steady the shaking of my hands, my friend sat and kept me company. Looking across the table at him it was easy to tell something was very different. First of all he sat there drinking a coke, secondly his eyes were clear and bright and his face looked fresh and younger, in fact his whole personal appearance was changed. Plus he had a lightness, peace or joy about him that had never been a part of his personality ever since I had known him. I was shocked and envious of what I saw so I asked him to tell me what the change was in him. For the next two hours I listened to what he had been learning in AA, and I will always be grateful that he never once told me that I needed AA, should stop drinking or was an alcoholic, he only shared his experience, strength and hope. During our conversation my thoughts ranged from "well don't expect to ever hang out with me again" to "I wish I could find something like he has but it's not possible."
That afternoon once I arrived home I was presented with a serious dilemma, the next day was Martin Luther King Day and I didn't have to go to work. Having a day off meant I needed to get to the liquor store to stock up for the evening and Monday. Or, as thoughts about my friends conversation tumbled over and over in my head, I thought that...maybe I could go check out an AA meeting. Maybe that would help with how I was feeling, maybe I would learn better habits, more responsibility in how I lived and drank. Actually I was very fond of self help books and programs so it might give me a few good ideas. However, I had no idea if the town where I lived had AA meetings and if so when and where. I looked in the phone book and newspaper but could not find anything (of course I was still buzzed from all the two for one Bloody Marys that afternoon so that might explain the reason why) so I concluded that AA wasn't available in that town. I still shudder as I remember how very close I came at that point to heading to the liquor store and what my life would look like today if I had done so. However, I was so sick and tired of being so sick and tired that I gave it one last ditch effort. I picked up my phone and called the local police to ask them where AA meetings were held. I've always wondered what the person who answered my call thought that afternoon but I'm so very thankful that they knew the answer to my question.
That night at 8pm I walked through the doors into my very first AA meeting. I had no idea what to expect but I guess I thought that AA it would be like some self-help or self-esteem program that would make me feel better about my self and my life. I was fairly certain that I could learn all I needed to learn in about six weeks and then I could get my drinking and the mess I had made my life under control. I had no idea what was in store for me, which is probably a good thing because at that time I could not even fathom the concept of never drinking ever again nor would I have agreed to stop drinking if asked to. I'm happy to say no one in AA has ever told me I couldn't drink; of course they do say it's "one day at time" which is very true, but a little sneaky (today I know what they mean is, one day at a time...in a row!!). Other than people shaking my hand and telling me to "keep coming back" I don't remember much about that night except for one thing; they gave me a 24 hour coin. At the time I wondered if I needed to tell them that it hadn't been 24 hours since my last drink, but I didn't say a word. Its odd that getting that coin meant anything to me but in some strange and alcoholic way of thinking I wanted to "earn" that coin. I think I wanted to prove to myself that I could make it 24 hours and by doing so it would show I wasn't like them, that I definitely wasn't an alcoholic.
I'm happy to report I did make it without drinking for the next 24 hours and I earned that coin. I did it by staying in bed the entire next day until it was time for the 8pm meeting again. However, although I made it through my first day of sobriety by hiding in bed, I did make it through that day without a drink. So one day at a time I went back to AA meetings, I did begin to work the 12 Steps and I started to take the actions which are the vital ingredients in the AA program. Little did I know the journey I had begun, the healing that was going to take place, the spiritual awakening I would have and the incredible difference it would all have on my entire life.
Saturday, April 2, 2011
Welcome to the blog
On January 18th, 2009, at 8pm I walked in through the doors of Alcoholics Anonymous for the first time and I consider January 19th, 2009 as my first day of sobriety. My first year in sobriety was one of massive changes, the second year was one of building solid foundations and this third year....well we shall see. The program of AA has saved my life and has changed me for the better so I thought I would write about my journey in sobriety. (I want to note that by "the program of AA" I am talking about working the 12 Steps of AA, having and using a sponsor, attending meetings, engaging in service work and practicing these principles in all my affairs).
Before I continue I must admit I'm not a big fan of journaling for a couple reasons. The first reason is that in the past I always have been a sucker for cool, hip looking journals from Barnes and Noble or other cool stores, with the thought that THIS time I was really going to use the journal and I was going to write. What happened was I brought the new fresh, hip and cool journal home, wrote maybe two entries at most, sometimes didn't write a singe line and then with a "one day I will do it" delusional thought, set the new, cool and hip journal on the shelf or under the bed. By the way, I have a collect of never used, hip and cool journals in a box somewhere if anyone needs one. Typical for me in all areas in life...I had the best intentions but zero action.
Number two, my sponsor says (let's just note right here, you are going to read that phrase a lot so I'm going to use "mss" for "my sponsor says" or "my sponsor said") that unless you are going to use journaling in some way to help others, it is just one more excuse to be into "self". So with that being said, why am I high tech journaling on this blog?
My first reason is to use this blog as a way to allow my family into my life and to join me in spirit as we trudge the road of happy destiny. Secondly, if they or someone else can use my "experience, strength and hope" to reach another suffering alcoholic that would be even better. My "drunkalog" may enter these pages from time to time, simply as a tool to explain myself better, however the main purpose of writing is to focus on the solution, not the problem. Third, it seems that writing about what I learn from the "Big Book" (slang for the book used in AA), my sponsor and other teachers in AA, helps me review and remember. Plus, it may be a good way to meditate on the new ideas I'm learning.
Warning: As far as sobriety is concerned, I am very new and still crazy at times in my thinking. However, it is spiritual progress not perfection which is important to me. I freely admit there is so much I do not know and that I am learning about in life, spiritual matters and the AA program. I hope to continue to grow spiritually on a daily basis. As such, I may write something that those of you who are older and wiser completely disagree with and I am sure I will be wrong about things or I may not exercise restraint of pen when I should. So, I would ask for your patience and tolerance as I grow and write about that growth. For friends and family members who visit this blog; there may be certain personal experiences from my life which you remember completely different from what I write, please note that this is only from my point of view and it may be wrong, plus there is much that is fuzzy due to obvious reasons.
So welcome to the blog
One final note. The 11th AA Tradition states that "we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio and films" which is why I have not included my personal name on this blog. I'm not sure if using my name would violate this tradition, but just in case I am choosing to remain anonymous to avoid bringing possible harm to AA as a whole. I ask that others who might post comments on the blog to use first names only and please respect everyone's anonymity.
If you are reading this and would like more information about Alcoholics Anonymous I would be more than happy to talk privately.
Before I continue I must admit I'm not a big fan of journaling for a couple reasons. The first reason is that in the past I always have been a sucker for cool, hip looking journals from Barnes and Noble or other cool stores, with the thought that THIS time I was really going to use the journal and I was going to write. What happened was I brought the new fresh, hip and cool journal home, wrote maybe two entries at most, sometimes didn't write a singe line and then with a "one day I will do it" delusional thought, set the new, cool and hip journal on the shelf or under the bed. By the way, I have a collect of never used, hip and cool journals in a box somewhere if anyone needs one. Typical for me in all areas in life...I had the best intentions but zero action.
Number two, my sponsor says (let's just note right here, you are going to read that phrase a lot so I'm going to use "mss" for "my sponsor says" or "my sponsor said") that unless you are going to use journaling in some way to help others, it is just one more excuse to be into "self". So with that being said, why am I high tech journaling on this blog?
My first reason is to use this blog as a way to allow my family into my life and to join me in spirit as we trudge the road of happy destiny. Secondly, if they or someone else can use my "experience, strength and hope" to reach another suffering alcoholic that would be even better. My "drunkalog" may enter these pages from time to time, simply as a tool to explain myself better, however the main purpose of writing is to focus on the solution, not the problem. Third, it seems that writing about what I learn from the "Big Book" (slang for the book used in AA), my sponsor and other teachers in AA, helps me review and remember. Plus, it may be a good way to meditate on the new ideas I'm learning.
Warning: As far as sobriety is concerned, I am very new and still crazy at times in my thinking. However, it is spiritual progress not perfection which is important to me. I freely admit there is so much I do not know and that I am learning about in life, spiritual matters and the AA program. I hope to continue to grow spiritually on a daily basis. As such, I may write something that those of you who are older and wiser completely disagree with and I am sure I will be wrong about things or I may not exercise restraint of pen when I should. So, I would ask for your patience and tolerance as I grow and write about that growth. For friends and family members who visit this blog; there may be certain personal experiences from my life which you remember completely different from what I write, please note that this is only from my point of view and it may be wrong, plus there is much that is fuzzy due to obvious reasons.
So welcome to the blog
One final note. The 11th AA Tradition states that "we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio and films" which is why I have not included my personal name on this blog. I'm not sure if using my name would violate this tradition, but just in case I am choosing to remain anonymous to avoid bringing possible harm to AA as a whole. I ask that others who might post comments on the blog to use first names only and please respect everyone's anonymity.
If you are reading this and would like more information about Alcoholics Anonymous I would be more than happy to talk privately.
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