Pre-AA

I still remember my first drink and I certainly remember my last.

I had my first drink was when I was 28 years old. Many people might find that a little odd as this does not seem to be the common age of first drinks. It is more likely that most alcoholics and also most normies (non alcoholics), experience their first drink in the teen years. However, due to my very religious upbringing drinking was viewed as a sin and being married at 18 into a very similar religious environment, I was never exposed to alcohol.

My first drink was very innocent and nonthreatening. I had been experiencing stomach pains and a guest in my home suggested that I drink a mix of vodka and orange juice (as I had neither both had to be purchased). The first sip tasted foul and for the life of me I could not understand why anyone would choose to drink that stuff for enjoyment. I was so uninterested. I took several more sips and still didn't understand the attraction...until it hit my stomach, spread through my body and seemed to fill every pore of my body. I had no idea at the time, but those few sips acted the same as if a tumbler type lock had finally clicked into place, unlocking a code and a door swung open. Although I did not drink often (certainly if compared with the amount I drank years later), after that day I continued to drink at any and every opportunity that I could get away with it and without my husband knowing about it. When I drank the misery inside me didn't seem so unbearable, the disappointment of my life wasn't so great, the need for control not as powerful, the anger boiling deep inside calmed. I could breathe, I could relax, I could care less and I could have fun. I had found my answer and there was no going back. There was a fundamental shift in my thinking and in my perception of reality. I was an alcoholic from that very first drink.

No one from my every day life, not even my husband, knew I was drinking. Within one year of that first drink I had left my husband and turned my back on everything and everyone that was important in my life up to that point. I lost my community, my home, my faith, values, family and friends. I moved to a city where I could live my new life style as I saw fit and without censorship. I never looked back at the path of destruction I had left in my wake and any guilt I felt was very quickly and easily drowned. When my husband, family or others asked me what I was thinking or doing I did not have any answer to give them or to explain the changes in my life or attitudes. To excuse my separation and pending divorce I told my immediate family that my husband was abusive to me, which was a horrific lie. My ex-husband was a godly man of integrity and character who never once abused me or acted in any way other than a loving husband would act. Truth be told, I myself had no idea what was going on in my head, I only knew that I had found "something" and I wasn't going to live without it. Due to deeply held religious convictions, relatives and people who had once been my best friends would no longer speak to me and from what I was told my old church voted to excommunicate me.  Now I wasn't a falling down drunk, or any of the other stereotypes that we hold of what an alcoholic is, because I didn't fit any of those (yet). I did not drink every day (yet), I pursued a college education and even went on to post grad and started a successful career, but nothing mattered to me other than living life to the fullest as I saw fit.

I clearly remember one afternoon following my separation when my husband's brother arranged to meet with the two of us. I reluctantly agreed to meet them in a small town cafe and we sat down across a small table, covered with a red plastic tablecloth, for a talk. I had an enormous amount of love for both my husband and my brother in law; I respected them and valued them in my life. I completely agree with those in AA who have said "love isn't enough" when it comes to alcoholism, because it doesn't matter that we love, how much we love or who loves us when we are in the grips of alcoholism. I remember my brother in law's eyes filling with tears as he tried to get to the root cause of why I was walking away from the marriage. What a dreadful sorrow and heavy burden he must have carried as he tried to reach out to his baby brother and me with some answer, some hope or some plan to prevent what was happening. I don't really remember what was said that day, but I do remember I didn't have any logical answers I could give him or my husband of reasons why. The bottom line was everything my brother in law said that afternoon would have been absolutely, 100 percent, correct and I knew it, but what the three of us did not know at that time was that it simply didn't matter. They were talking to a freshly minted alcoholic who was so far from hitting bottom that I wouldn't have even believed there was a bottom. Already I was willing to trade everyone and everything to be able to live my new found lifestyle.  One thing I still clearly remember about that day was that emotionally I completely shut down. I had to shut down just to survive what I was doing to the man who was my husband. I used all my ability to not crack, to keep my heart from feeling and my mind from thinking. I knew if I could just make it through the talk I would never have to think about it again. Finally the visit came to an end with neither my brother in law or my husband getting any explanation, answers or closure from me other than the marriage was going to end. I got up (I think they both hugged me) and I walked out to my car. I drove away without looking back, teeth clenched, refusing to cry and the alcoholic mind went to work creating a story to make it possible for me to live with myself. Shortly afterwards I was siting at a kitchen table with a typewriter, a rum and coke and a do-it-yourself divorce kit.

Like any other alcoholic I could at this point write story after drunk story, some funny, some embarrassing, some dangerous or illegal, others extremely painful and all of them leading to the point of incomprehensible demoralization at which point I hit my personal bottom. Once I took that first drink my love affair with alcohol began and I was out of the gate at high speed. I drank from 28 until 44 years of age, but not once did I think I had a problem and I would never have labeled myself as an alcoholic. In very short order my lifestyle appeared to be completely normal to me. Any moral boundaries I had simply were adjusted when and if needed and my alcoholic thinking was always present to aid in that process. At that time I had no idea about the "manifestation of an allergy of the body and the phenomenon of craving in the mind" with which the chronic alcoholic lives. A person doesn't think about how much they crave air until someone comes up behind them and puts a plastic bag over their head. It is only at that point does the craving to breathe kick in and you are extremely aware of your dependence of air. I had no concept that I wasn't simply a normal drinker (it does help to surround yourself with people who drink like you do) and I never attempted to stop drinking; why should I since "I was only trying to have fun."  During those years I got remarried to another wonderful man. At first life was wonderful, we had lots of friends, fun and free time to travel and enjoy life. However, he was not an alcoholic, so as the honeymoon phase ended and my alcoholism progressed our marriage began to show major strains. I put my 2nd husband through over a decade of alcoholic hell (more details on that during the 9th step) and eventually he could take no more. I don't remember if I left or he kicked me out but we at last separated and I went to live in a different state. Once again I was able to drink freely as I pleased without censorship.

While drinking I have earned several college degrees, graduated from law school with honors, had numerous prestigious jobs, and traveled extensively, so from an outsiders vantage point of view it might appear that I was doing well. However, alcohol took me places and allowed me to do things that I never would have thought imaginable. For the last 6 years of my drinking my entire life revolved around alcohol, but still I never considered myself to have a drinking problem. Instead I thought I had a job problem, a money problem, a him problem and a life problem. In my mind alcohol was the only thing that enabled me to cope with all these other problems, hell alcohol wasn't my problem, it was my solution. I was spiritually and emotionally dead inside and who knows how long it would have been before the physical was in the same shape.

My personal bottom came on January the 18th, 2009.  I had a particularly brutal weekend of "partying" after which I was so sick inside and so bone weary tired. I desperately needed something or someone, but didn't know what exactly. I just knew I could not continue living life much longer, nor did I want to. On a whim, I called a former drinking buddy and asked if he would meet me. Although I knew he had gone to AA two months prior (which personally I thought was a good idea because he really did drink to much and his life was a mess), I insisted that we meet in a bar (it was a Sunday at 10am), which he gladly did. As I drank, two for one, Bloody Marys to help steady the shaking of my hands, my friend sat and kept me company. Looking across the table at him it was easy to tell something was very different. First of all he sat there drinking a coke, secondly his eyes were clear and bright and his face looked fresh and younger, in fact his whole personal appearance was changed. Plus he had a lightness, peace or joy about him that had never been a part of his personality ever since I had known him. I was shocked and envious of what I saw so I asked him to tell me what the change was in him. For the next two hours I listened to what he had been learning in AA, and I will always be grateful that he never once told me that I needed AA, should stop drinking or was an alcoholic, he only shared his experience, strength and hope.  During our conversation my thoughts ranged from "well don't expect to ever hang out with me again" to "I wish I could find something like he has but it's not possible."

That afternoon once I arrived home I was presented with a serious dilemma, the next day was Martin Luther King Day and I didn't have to go to work. Having a day off meant I needed to get to the liquor store to stock up for the evening and Monday. Or, as thoughts about my friends conversation tumbled over and over in my head, I thought that...maybe I could go check out an AA meeting. Maybe that would help with how I was feeling, maybe I would learn better habits, more responsibility in how I lived and drank. Actually I was very fond of self help books and programs so it might give me a few good ideas.  However, I had no idea if the town where I lived had AA meetings and if so when and where. I looked in the phone book and newspaper but could not find anything (of course I was still buzzed from all the two for one Bloody Marys that afternoon so that might explain the reason why) so I concluded that AA wasn't available in that town. I still shudder as I remember how very close I came at that point to heading to the liquor store and what my life would look like today if I had done so. However, I was so sick and tired of being so sick and tired that I gave it one last ditch effort. I picked up my phone and called the local police to ask them where AA meetings were held. I've always wondered what the person who answered my call thought that afternoon but I'm so very thankful that they knew the answer to my question.

That night at 8pm I walked through the doors into my very first AA meeting. I had no idea what to expect but I guess I thought that AA it would be like some self-help or self-esteem program that would make me feel better about my self and my life. I was fairly certain that I could learn all I needed to learn in about six weeks and then I could get my drinking and the mess I had made my life under control. I had no idea what was in store for me, which is probably a good thing because at that time I could not even fathom the concept of never drinking ever again nor would I have agreed to stop drinking if asked to. I'm happy to say no one in AA has ever told me I couldn't drink; of course they do say it's "one day at time" which is very true, but a little sneaky (today I know what they mean is, one day at a time...in a row!!). Other than people shaking my hand and telling me to "keep coming back" I don't remember much about that night except for one thing; they gave me a 24 hour coin. At the time I wondered if I needed to tell them that it hadn't been 24 hours since my last drink, but I didn't say a word. Its odd that getting that coin meant anything to me but in some strange and alcoholic way of thinking I wanted to "earn" that coin. I think I wanted to prove to myself that I could make it 24 hours and by doing so it would show I wasn't like them, that I definitely wasn't an alcoholic.

I'm happy to report I did make it without drinking for the next 24 hours and I earned that coin. I did it by staying in bed the entire next day until it was time for the 8pm meeting again. However, although I made it through my first day of sobriety by hiding in bed, I did make it through that day without a drink. So one day at a time I went back to AA meetings, I did begin to work the 12 Steps and I started to take the actions which are the vital ingredients in the AA program. Little did I know the journey I had begun, the healing that was going to take place, the spiritual awakening I would have and the incredible difference it would all have on my entire life.